Hi Aiden, Happy New Year! This is the first year where we haven’t been in love, the first year in 3 years. Wow. I’m writing here now because you are the one who originally showed me this website and I got to see all the beautiful things you wrote of me. So heres nothing. You deserve the truth, we both always did. I spent all summer pining for you, there wasn’t a day you weren’t mentioned or an hour where you didn’t cross my mind. No matter how busy I was or whatever crazy thing I was doing you always sat in the back of my head, on the back burner. Though, Im not sure if that feeling was betrayal or admiration, but I needed to figure that out. I always think of the good moments: the long walks, the endless cuddles, the fancy dinners, the disc golf dates I secretly loved, the ice cream runs, the endless errands, the long drives, the laughs, the feeling all of those things made me feel so deeply in my stomach. I LOVED you I LOVED you more than I feel I could ever love someone again, and I lost myself in that and I think you did too. I became so absorbed in this happiness with you that I set aside everything that made me happy outside of you. I lost myself. And you lost yourself trying to fix that for me when there was nothing to be done. The first time we broke up I felt like I was drowning, but all of the sudden I re-taught myself how to swim. I started doing the things I loved again, being the good person I know I can be. I thought I deserved to have you back in my life, that I had done the work, that WE could work. What I didn’t know is that I put myself through this self blaming nightmare, like I didn’t love you enough, I wasn’t doing enough, I was the liar. I wouldn’t even find out the truth until ELEVEN MONTH LATER. You had 11 months, 8 of which you spent almost everyday with me to tell me the truth. To make me feel less stupid after laughing in my face WHEN I WAS RIGHT. But you didn’t, you covered it up, you stacked your lies when you didn’t even have to. You could have told me you were with her, god you couldve told me that you SLEPT with her (ik you didnt) and I still would have taken you back. I beat myself down for you, I did EVERYTHING for you at that point in time, and you couldnt even give me the truth when I told you my cold hard truth. I went on with you oblivious, so in love with you to see past it, but old habits came back and we became more toxic than ever before. I lied to you about those things and for what it did to our relationship, I’m sorry and theres still really no excuse and I will never not feel guilty. But I needed to live, have an escape, SOMETHING in a world where I was drowning and you never even took the time to understand WHY, WHAT it was that was making me do it. I had no outlet, no escape, loosing friends, lost my hobbies, all I had was YOU and you refused to listen to me then didn’t understand why i resented you. Everything was so built up even before that night at chilis where we crossed state lines to figure it out (i still dont understand why you had to take me to iowa) That night, we knew it was over, despite how much we loved each other we were TOO BROKEN, there was nothing either of us could say or do to repair the damage done. The secrets, the lying, the petty stuff, the arguing, the fighting. It had all gotten to out of control, it was becoming too much to step through everyday with you in confidence. I had to go. I loved you but I wouldn’t have survived much longer. I spent the next month stalking you, thinking about you, writing about you, long walks, sad music, just that whole breakup angst. But i missed you, i knew in my heart I missed you but I didnt have the strength to look back, to try, i was struggling to fught for myself so how was i meant to fight for you? I thought it would get better. I tried to move on in a different way hence the partying, the bad friends, the bad decisions, the 50 hour work weeks, the new boyfriend whos name was only a syllable off from yours. All of it was an attempt to escape you, a failed one at that. I left the boyfriend, i left the friends, i left that part of me in the summer. But you still followed me from spring into autumn. You have always been a constant. Someone who I will never EVER stop loving or thinking about, and I had to see. I heard about what you did with that girl. That girl in my class. That girl that I hated. Only a week after we broke up? Seriously? Again? But i got it confirmed from one of your friends and i was still hurt by it. It still stung. I still loved you. I had to text you, i HAD to. You explained it all to me, you explained it perfectly. In a way where I couldnt be mad, in a way where I could find peace in it, but i never forgave the action in itself not with A, not with O, and dont think I dont know about the second A that you failed to disclose as more than friends EVEN when i asked (you are seriously dumb yk i find out everything?) I continued to talk to you, I couldn’t pull away from you. I talked to you everyday, i invited you to my nanas where we spent the night together, then I went with you that day. Completely sober, more mindful then ever, I went so i could SEE, COMPARE. I had to know if things were actually going to be different. You took me to that roof which was actually fun lolll but then to the church (odd choice seeing as i don’t believe in organized religion AND im not catholic?) where we had this built up conversation about things that we need to change and all i really heard was you talking about jealousy, that was never the issue with us. Sure it played a factor but do you really think that was the problem? Not the arguments? The toxicity? The constant looking over the shoulder? The stunted growth? The rotting in your bedroom? The way you talked to E and god knows who else about these bad things about me? There was SO MUCH Aiden so much that wasn’t mentioned, and sure it couldve came out in later conversations, but would it? And in that conversation i didnt even know what to say what to hear what to believe because we have both offered up SO MUCH CHANGE that never happened and never would. Theres things we cant change about ourselves, personality clashed our values. Then we just moved on and went to smk with K, which was so awkward and weird in itself. I wasnt part of the conversation, you were acting SO STRANGE, then in the car you just ramble and ramble about how im perfect and you love me and the rest i just tuned out because what. Yes i loved you and i still do but while you’re high? On our third “first date” where nothing was even really covered? I didn’t feel sure, secure, or any of that that anything had changed. That night felt like a repeat of the past; the love bombing, the words without action. I couldnt go through it again, i wouldnt. I didnt leave because i didnt love you, i left because i gained self awareness. I realized what i never did before, no matter how much we love each other its never going to be enough. Everything toxic with us is endless and no time apart or development is going to change that, because we are apart of each others development. We are so etched in each others lives and i dont think it was meant to be forever. We showed each other what love was, despite the hurt we both loved each other so fully, completely, and deeply. But sometimes what you love isnt meant to stay forver, its meant as a lesson. To show what good love is, what people can mean to each other, what we can be with it. But also sometimes you have to walk away from what you love weather its a person, an opportunity, a place, ANYTHING.

If anyone has made it to the bottom of this message love isnt meant to consume you, its meant to be apart of you. You can love someone or something so much that it hurts you and one day you are going to have to be strong enough to walk away, for not only yourself in this moment, but the future you desire. Think of the life you want to lay out for your kids, the story you want to leave behind; is that person in it? Is your story in it? Is that place apart of it?
At the end of the day everyone want to display strength and faith. Being strong doesn’t always mean sticking it out, it means choosing the best option despite the hurt it may TEMPORARILY leave behind. I still love Aiden, I will always love Aiden and i think thats okay. He has made me become a better person and someone who I can be proud of. I owe so much to him the list never ends. I have no hate for him at all and I know that despite everything we are both good people. I hope that he gets everything he deserves in life and more, because why would i want anything else? Anyways, stick with your gut and before making a decision remember youre the one whos going to have to live with it.