hate the fact that months after i still think of you often and can’t talk to anyone else. i hate that someone who told me they liked me first, and felt fated to meet me and love me now hates me and fucks me off publicly. i hate all my mistakes and how ill never get to truly apologize. i hate myself. i hate a lot of things now, too much for here, but the only thing i hate as much as myself is how i cant seem to hate you. id still do anything for you, even if youre just mean to me. your happiness and safety is more important than my feelings. i think back to that dance, the first time i laid eyes on you, and how i said to andrew “how could he have a date so pretty” but i never told you that. i dont think ill ever recover from this knowing i truly and really did ruin my best friend and the person i love more than anyone. but even writing this is pointless as if you saw it, youd just laugh. is it truly easy to hate someone so fast and so deeply? or am i just that hatable? or is it a mask? i don’t know. i wish i did. so now i wait patiently for the day i finally see a message from you on anything. no matter how long. was it ever truly fate? or were we wrong. i miss laying in bed with you. i just miss you. it was never about your body or anything else. just you.