I wish I hated you, because that would make everything easier. and I don’t know if you knew how bad you hurt me back then. And what hurts the most is that I still miss you, just a little. My heart hurts every time I think about you. Sometimes I’ll see you and wish we were still friends, but I don’t want to let myself be that vulnerable. I can’t take another 7th grade.
You know what’s crazy? Sometimes, when I hear a breakup song (especially I almost Do and Last Kiss) I think of you. Isn’t that weird? I’m definitely not a lesbian, so I don’t know why. The worst part is that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully forgive you. I might be clinging onto the past and holding a grudge, but I try not to. I really try, Hita. I can’t help it.
I was suicidal. (crazy lore drop, I know.) And I didn’t say that to make you feel guilty, but I said it so that I can pretend to have an excuse to still be bitter and hurt. But I also have to thank you. Because, you forcing me out of our friend group made me find new friends, who (I hope) appreciate me for who I am. Plus, you changed me. I changed. I got used to the idea of being alone, and I realized I never want anyone, EVER to feel like how I felt then. Since then, I’ve become super observant, and I’ve tried to be nicer to everyone, if you’ve noticed. You probably haven’t.
I’ve also learned how to hide the emotions on my face, and I’m proud to say that no one even suspect I don’t like you. And I don’t not like you, but I’m not friends with you is what I mean. I hope that makes sense. I told someone else in our old friend group about 7th grade from our sides, since we didn’t talk since then and had recently gotten closer. She said a throwaway line about how I remember everything so precicely, and her side of the story was so different because it seemed like I went through “trauma.” I don’t know if that’s true, but it would make sense if it was.
I wrote this to try and give myself closure, as if you would actually see this. You probably won’t, but if you do, just know that I don’t wish on your downfall. I’m glad you’re 7th grade experience was better than mine, and I really, genuinely hope you have a great life, that when you’re old, you can look back on it and smile, not feeling much guilt over what you did. And I hope that if you ever think about me then, you don’t focus on 7th grade, but on the happy moments between us two. And even if I never speak to you again, just know that there’s always a part of my heart, a little, tiny, vulnerable part, that will always love you and clings onto those memories with full force. I love you (platonically). Goodbye -A