i’m sorry we ended things the way we did, the way i did. i was going through so much and you knew and you tried to help and im sorry i pushed you away. you were always nothing but good to me and treated me so amazing. you were raised right and never stop doing what you do. i remember that Wednesday when you asked me out i immediately knew the minute i walked onto campus and seen my friends waiting for me something that was happening and i had a feeling it was about you. when i walked into class and your friend kept teasing at me when i’d ask what was going on because our two friends were dating remember? lol, than when we had that assembly and you walked in from the office into the cafeteria and i turned around and looked at you and you looked at me and than sat across the table from me i knew something was going to happen between us that day and i was so excited because i couldn’t believe that the boy i had liked all year actually wanted something to do something with me. than we were walking in the field and i remember him teasing you and chasing you until you fell and i couldn’t help but laugh at how cute you were, seriously. it kind of hurt me a little to see the way he was treating you even though you guys were joking around i just wanted to help you up so badly but was to scared. than when you asked me out i was so excited, than that day at lunch when we sat together and it was so awkward i wanted to leave the table out of embarrassment! aaaand than the end of the day when you had asked your friend to ask me if it was okay if i’d give you a hug and it was so awkward and than you fucking skipped away???? it was so funny and cute i remember your friend telling me “damn you got him fucking skipping” and i just bursted out laughing. i didn’t realize how inlove i was with you until i lost you. when you’d give me candy and hugs in the morning, i looked forward to those hugs and sweet “hi’s” you’d tell me everyday because they were the only reason i was holding up. you were the only reason i was okay during those times. the next day after the sleepover incident when i saw you at school and you hugged me and asked if i were okay real quick before i stormed off was because that was the moment i just wanted to hold onto you a little longer and just cry. because i needed to, i needed you and yet all i ever did was push you away. i needed to know that i had you atleast and that i could just hold you and know you were there, because you always were. the letters and valentines stuff i had to throw away because my family was already suspecting. when we were moving out though a letter had slipped from one of my vinyls and it was the last letter you gave me, talking about the notebook, how much you loved me, the things you loved about me. i held onto it. i had to because it was the last thing i had of you. i had so much anger built up from just everything that was happening to me at the moment and the only escape from all of it that i had was you. and yet i still hurt you the most out of everything. you held onto me and tried to show me how much you loved me and yet i couldnt handle it. i remember one day when we were waiting for the bell to ring you had been siting next to me at the benches and i was looking away trying not to cry infront of you and our friends because i was just tired, and than i looked over and saw that fuckass picture amanda took of me that i lectured her about because she had sent you them and i thought they were so ugly and you put it as your wallpaper and i just felt disgusted. because i just looked ugly in them and yet you thought they were worthy enough to be your wallpaper and i couldnt understand how you could look at me and think i was pretty. everything that i picked apart from myself was something you somehow found how to love. theres so much more like the video your sister sent me of you under the bed? i was so confused and replayed it because of your smile in it and how goofy you were. even when i was still living at home and we’d play fortnite with danica or even just us alone gosh i miss those nights, because i don’t think i ever laughed harder than those times because you always stole our kills, and than the nickname you gave me, gosh i used to think it was so cheesy but it was you who was calling me it so i didn’t care, and gosh just the smiles and laughs we’d share in class when i sat infront of you and tanner sat next to you and he’d always have something weird to say you’d look back at me and smile and i couldnt help but stifle a laugh. i think my mom was starting to catch on to because i’d always beg for more screentime on my phone just to talk to you for a little longer, than i learned my screen time password and had started to misuse it and than she found out and changed it and i never asked for more screen time ever again because i knew she knew what i was doing and i didnt want to have that talk LMFAOO. and than oh my gosh my one of my favorite memorys will always be when tanner had a crush on camila and we were all trying to get them together ohmygosh that was so fucking funny, and than we were trying to get andrew and delia back together and failed everytime it was horrible. i think my favorite three memories of us would be when we had first got together and i was “helping” you with the files in media class because amanda told me that you needed help so i awkwardly got up and went to “help” you and instead did absolutely nothing, i dont know why i love that memory but i just do, probaly because we were so awkward, all of these are about media class actually, man that class was so fun. i remember working with lorraine and had one of the sd cards in the computer and was going through the photos of the sd card when i found one of you, it was all blurry and you were reaching out to hide you face from the camera and you had this big smile on your face, i think i sent it to you because you had missed school that day, i kept the photo though and thought it was such a cute photo of you though because of your smile and your hands swatting the camera away, and than this one was the same day too that you didn’t go to school and hunter b had to call you and i remember getting all smiley when i heard your voice on speaker and than hunter telling me that you said to say hi and i just froze and told him to tell you i said hi back. i remember i would tell one of my online friends about you, i still go back and re-read those messages that i sent her of me talking about wanting to marry you and how whenever you missed school i would still wait to see you walking the classroom doors because i missed you so much, i told her that you were the one,how whenever your name popped up i couldnt help but just go crazy, i told her i was fawning over you because you were such a gentleman and how you would text me everynight before 9:30 when my phone turned off, even when we had first started dating i believe it was the next day and andrew dragged you over to where i was just for us to talk and it was so awkward and i was eating a choclate bar i had gotten from claira, i dont even know what we talked about but i just remember your smile and realizing that, that was all i wanted to see forever. i know this is a lot but i guess its just because i need to just let go already, you’ve moved on already like i wanted you too and im happy you did. this is so cringe i know but i never lied when i told you i love you. i would hope you know that i dont hold anything against you, and that if you ever wanted to talk again someday, not even relationship wise but just in general, that i’m here, always have been and always will be. and if you were to ever text me or call me again which i doubt just know i’d pick up and text back everytime. i only wish you nothing but the best.