why would you treat me the way you did if you didn’t want me? why did you kiss me if you didn’t want me? i’ll have to spend the rest of my life longing for something that i can never have. i’ll have to find a MAN and let him love me, see me, touch me, and marry me eventually whether i truly want him deep down or not. before i met you, i would have been perfectly content with that. but how am i supposed to go back to the way i was before you, after feeling how pure and lovely and innocent it is to love and be loved by another girl?

you didn’t look at me with lust like he does. you understood me in the way that only another girl could. you did my makeup for me, shared all of my stupid interests, you went with me to do things that any guy would hardly find fun, you held me in a way that would’ve made me unbearably uncomfortable had you been a guy, you cooked with me and saw me—REALLY saw me. past my looks, or my body, or whatever fuckass facade i used to keep up around everyone, everyone except for you.

i don’t know if I can bring myself to genuinely love a man anymore, annie. and i don’t know what to do,because i dont have a choice but to. and I told you that so many times, you know exactly what would happen if they knew that i liked girls.

i just wish everything was simpler, like it used to be. none of these stupid complicated feelings that i have no way to get rid of, and probably never will. I don’t know if I hate you, if i would be happy to never see or think of you ever again, or if i miss you so much that I can hardly stand it.

i don’t wanna think about you anymore, but i don’t know how to stop. i know that whatever we had was crucial in shaping the person that i am today and that it changed me for the better. but in times like these, i really wish that we’d never met.