To be honest, I struggled a lot writing this. I’ve rewritten this 3 times now. I think I’m finally coming to closure.

You say I used you, that I’ve done fucked up shit to you. That you miss how it was. That I need help, that you want nothing to do with me, that you miss me, that you love me, that I ruined you. I can’t defend myself and say I didn’t. I did things that hurt you and I regret them. I was looking for you to love me when I couldn’t love myself and that’s something I should’ve dealt with on my own. I wanted your attention so desperately that I let it get the better of me, and got mad at you when I didn’t get it. It doesn’t excuse my actions, but I know how much it impacted you now so it doesn’t happen again.

I’m sorry I hurt you. There’s nothing wrong with you for reminiscing. Affairs of the heart are messy and it doesn’t always feel good. At first I had hope that maybe you just liked me enough to drag it out, but I’m realizing now the part you miss is what I represented. It’s not about me and it was never about me, it’s about the community you had. It’s about how I ruined that. I’m sorry I let my emotions get the better of me time and time again and it ends up being taken out on you, and I’m sorry for subjecting you to my emotions and sadness because I wanted you to make it better. That’s not fair to you. I’ve been getting better at managing, hence waiting to respond. I still have my moments.

Its not wrong to want to go back, but it hurts that you don’t see what was wrong with back then. That it’s all my fault because I started it or it was all my decisions or whatever. You knew I liked you. You kept egging me on while pushing me away in ways that really upset me. You hurt me so many times too, yet I stayed because in my stupid little mind, I hoped you felt the same way. I took the audios, the lurking, the I miss yous as confirmation you were scared like I was. Maybe it was just so Id keep paying, right? I never wanted this to be transactional. I thought you were doing it because you liked me but with the things you’ve said, it’s the idea of me. I don’t even have 1.5k to give you between all my bills. The idealized versions better than the real.

I know I’ve hurt you. I think I know what I’ve done wrong and I never wanna make those mistakes again. I never want to avoid someone I love like I did, and I say love because I chose you despite how much you hurt me, too. But if it’s always all about you, how you feel, how I affect you, I can’t do this anymore. I’ve spent this whole time stuffing down my feelings to accommodate you and you don’t even see that. When it finally blew over, it was my fault for holding it all in when it seemed like you were just tolerating me or keeping me around for cash. You kept me in limbo, too. Thats why I say leave me alone even after I submitted first- you confirmed what I had a feeling of all along, but I wanted it to work, I wanted to make it right. I used you, but I did so much more to try to make up for it. I dried your tears, I apologized, I felt so guilty and shameful for so long because you don’t want it to work and I do. I really liked you, fuck, I loved you. What’s love if not accepting everything wrong with the other person and still wanting them to be better? Whats love if not accepting your own mistakes, your own hurt, and wanting to change and make it right? I say I used you, but it was never my intention to just throw you out after you made me feel better about myself. I never had an alternative goal than liking you. I changed so much to be a person you’d want to talk to, but I see now that I’ll never be enough and I’ll never be bigger than how I hurt you. And that’s okay. Hurt consumes me too. If you don’t want me enough to make it work past that, I don’t want to keep fighting for it, and I’m tired of blaming you when you’re not sorry.

You can trust your community. You have so many people that love you. Don’t internalize that somethings wrong with you for wanting how it was. You have the capability of rebuilding things to be better. It won’t be the same and it’ll never be the same, but that means it has the potential to be better.

I don’t know if I’m reading you right, but I’ve spent so much time thinking about this and you that I really hope I did. Thank you for being my best. I appreciate you being vulnerable. This last year has given me the space to learn who I want to be and how I wanna show up for people, and even if I barely made it through, I’m grateful for the opportunity to grow. I thought love was growing together, but I see that I loved you and you loved what I represented. No matter how much I want it to work, you’ll see this and take it as how I hurt you, not how it could be different. And that’s okay. There’s not much more I could possibly do. I don’t expect you to respond or even want to talk to me after this. Worry about yourself. My final act of love for you.