my dearest j, I still think about you everyday and miss you everyday but I know that it’s not possible for us to be together once again. How can i get over you when my heart belongs to you?I’ll wait far you no matter what even though you don’t want me anymore and I wish things between us were different because I don’t connect with anyone like l did with you.You meant something to me, maybe more than I would ever dare to speak out loud but in my heart it was something special. our laughters cured deep wounds in my soul. I miss you. I miss us. I miss spending time with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss your smile. I miss your hugs. I miss the way you used to tuck my hair behind my ears to kiss my forehead.I miss when you used to do the 3 squeeze rule. I miss running home in winter after hanging out with you for hours. It hurts knowing that you probably don’t even feel the same way. But I know that I cant just keep on holding onto you like this when you clearly cannot decide ur feelings for me. Sometimes I stay up all night thinking what are we? I don’t understand our “relationship”. Sometimes we’re friends, sometimes we’re more than friends and sometimes I’m just a stranger to you. It’s like you treat me like tomorrow is promised and I hate that.One minute you’re talking to me as if I’m something special and the next minute you’re talking to me as if I mean absolutely nothing to you. One day you pay so much attention to me and the next you completely ignore me. I hate the way u choose when to like me . I’ve never loved someone so much and never wanted someone so bad, and I’m trying to deal w us not being able to be together and it’s just taking a toll on me and my feelings. & that’s why I have such a short temper because I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused and fucked up emotionally. I drained myself trying to be better for you and the sad thing is, you never noticed how hard I tried. I waited on your texts. I gave you the space that you fucking needed and you only used that space to fit more girls into ur life and I’ll never forget that jameel.I let you talk to me anytime you wanted to. I put your feelings over my own. I loved you so much that I tried to understand your feelings when you were hurting mine.I gave you my trust. I stayed. I disregarded all my boundaries so this could work and that wasn’t enough.I expected it but just not from you baby.I’ll always forgive u but never forget. I just expected us to turn out differently and I wish we did. I was always there for you no matter the terms were.It hurt me to watch you fade away & it seemed as it never bothered you. My loyalty, the communication, and patience just wasn’t enough to keep you. I know I haven’t been the best person to you either but I tried my best so i don’t hold it against you and I never will but I know I deserve better. I will always love you forever ml.I do know I love you and if I could go back to when I first met you I’d do things completely different. I will never stop loving you & never stop caring about you.
-b.