Did you know that I’ve never once been angry at you? Did you know that I’m only really mean to people I feel comfortable with and always in a way that to me is so clearly a joke because of course you are never a negative thing. Of course when I see you I see the smartest, most talented person I know.

Did you know I cried about how much I miss you even though I see you everyday? Did you know I’ve always missed you, that I’ve always wanted to be closer to you? That I feel jealous when you have closer friends? Did you know I’m disappointed when I can’t sit close enough to wink at you or whisper a reference? Do you know that you’re the cleverest person I’ve ever met?

It hurts so bad when other people ask me about you and I have to answer that I think something, but I’m not sure. Do you know how painful it is to watch you curl up on yourself and say that you aren’t doing enough and need to be doing more? How much it hurts that you dismiss all of your problems and emotions even though I tell you everything I think. Every thought I’ve ever had.

Did you know that when I see months that describe personality or “is this you and your best friend” I always always think of you. When I’m asked to think of someone, I always think of you.

Did you know that you are the best friend I’ve ever had. That I think I know your emotions but I can’t be sure. That I’ve seen you so, so happy but I don’t see it anymore.

Not around me.

I miss you so so much and I don’t always realize it but I feel it every time I look at you.