days before we left i kept telling myself in my head to shut up, nobody wanted to hear my voice. when we were over at mexico i said the exact same thing, so i distanced myself and tried to not be around them. whenever i was an argument broke out or a disagreement. i can finally conclude that im the problem. nobody will ever see this, i know that. im tired of hiding my emotions. i dream of dying a million different ways, different ways i can end it. then i remember i have to be the one to watch what i say, do, and think. im tired. its sad that the only thing i actually have motivation is for a candy bar at the end of the day sometimes. its sadder that my family won’t even notice that. i hope that i never wake again. most people say that but they don’t mean it. i do. i want the infinite darkness that i dream about. i hate that when i describe that i want to die and my family thinks nothing of it. they don’t say a word. they just tell me to shut up. why do i write this if i know itll never see the light of day. it only pains me to write this. maybe cause my therapist says ti write it or maybe i hope someone will see it one day and hug. i just thought about telling my mom how i feel and how i don’t like arguing, how i just want it all to end. i cried 3 separate times in a row. i tried to be nice and then somehow it turned out to be pain. idk if this is my punishment from God or if im even worth his time saving. its sad that my dogs have seen me cry more than any other human alive. its also sad that they’ve saved me more times than i can count.