Jiwan everything confuses me now. My thoughts, my feelings, my days, they all blur together because you were woven into every part of me. I loved you in a way that was instinctive, natural, and all consuming. I cared about you more than I cared about myself, and I don’t say that lightly. I built my world around you without even realizing I was doing it.

I don’t know who I am without you. I don’t know how to move through life without reaching for you in my mind, without wanting to tell you every small thing, without wondering what you would think or say. But even in all this confusion, I know one thing clearly, I did not deserve the way you hurt me.

What makes this unbearable is that I can’t stop thinking about the good. the comfort, the way being with you felt like home. I replay the moments where I felt chosen, loved, safe. And I yearn for all of it not just you, but the version of myself I was when I believed in us completely. I miss you in ways words don’t fully capture. I want to tell you I miss you, even though I know you already know. I think you’ve always known how deeply I loved you. In a selfish way I want you to hurt how I do and miss me how I miss you.

What hurts the most is that I don’t know how to get past is knowing you’re still speaking to her. Knowing that I was replaceable. Knowing that even after everything, even after you knew how much pain this would cause me, you still chose to let someone else take my place. I wish you had loved me enough not to do that. I wish I had mattered enough for you to stop. I don’t know if I will ever forgive you for that, even though I want to more than anything in the world. Wanting to forgive you feels like betraying myself, but holding onto this pain feels like it’s destroying me.

You didn’t just break my heart. You broke me. You broke my self confidence I question my worth now in ways I never did before. You broke my sense of the future. I had pictured it with you, and now it feels empty and unfamiliar. You broke my past because even the memories I once cherished now hurt when I think about them.

I gave you love without limits. I stayed soft even when it hurt. I tried to understand you, to be patient, to believe that we could work through anything. I don’t regret loving you the way I did, but I hate that it cost me so much of myself. I hate that I’m left picking up pieces of a person who loved too deeply for someone who couldn’t protect her heart. Despite everything, a part of me still loves you. That part hasn’t caught up with the pain yet and maybe that’s the most heartbreaking thing of all that even after being hurt this deeply, I still wish things were different. I still wish you had chosen me the way I chose you.

I don’t know what healing looks like yet. I just know that I’m hurting, and that this love and this loss changed me forever.