Sometimes i wonder if i was just a placeholder to prop you up so you could feel whole in yourself. It always made me sad that you couldn’t find that in yourself either without others. I know i was the same too when we were together, it showed up differently yet when i realized being needed isn’t the same as being loved something shifted in the way my thought process was with everything. And i couldn’t unsee the damage we were both doing to each other. I will always care for you, I hope you can understand why i had to set this boundary to not stay in contact. I’m still healing from everything. And reminders are painful and setback my own growth. It was never really about the money. If it was i would’ve asked for it back. It was just the imbalance of time and effort put in for one another that had worn me down. It hurts having to look at all the missed moments of reconciliation back then, but the past is the past and learning to forgive yourself and them and let go in promise not to repeat the same mistakes is what’s keeping me here on this planet. I gave so much of myself to you and it wasn’t enough when we were together, so nothing would change if I went back unfortunately. That chapter in our lives are closed, we’ll always be connected with memories. I wish you nothing but the best in what life has to offer, i always have. When i got past my own SI, I could start to see the purpose in being here. And i wanted you to see that too. When we first met and you would tell me about the thoughts you would have, i felt for you deeply. I saw past me in you- it was undeniable, and it scared me. I don’t hate you. I don’t think i’m capable of it. Because i understand why you are you, and behave the way that you do and i got to see the unmasked parts and still loved them back then. if we could’ve been more honest with each other during that time maybe things might’ve been different. But i try not to spiral on the “what ifs” anymore. It’s freeing. Btw I still make that candied bacon in the morning, and my cooking isn’t so bad anymore ahah. Some things i guess don’t change. See you space cowboy. <3 gl with everything.
