We just broke up a couple of hours ago. I’ve been through so much in my life but I’ve never felt this kind of pain before. I don’t know how I’m going to get over you. We still love each other but I guess it’s just not meant to be. I tried to hard to get back to the way we were but nothing was working. I feel guilty for feeling this way but I’m just so angry it turned out like this. I wish you would’ve gotten help instead of letting your illness drag you away from me. I missed you even before we broke up. I miss how you were happy around me and acted like you loved me. Now you’re distant and I can’t do anything about it. I love you so much and I just wanted to feel that back. You were my first love. I don’t know how I’ll ever go back to being your friend. I don’t know how I can pass you in the hallway once school starts and be okay. Because it’s fucking stupid summer we couldn’t call or talk in person. It had to happen over text. I never got to get a hug or a goodbye kiss from you. I’m not sure how I’ll ever feel closure. This past week I just thought about how I just wanted to be held by you but that will never happen again. We’ll never get high and go on bike rides a make out anymore. I’ll never watch you perform and be able to say that’s my girlfriend. I’ll never be allowed to look at you with the love I had for you. I’ll never get that look back whenever I make you smile. I’ll never be able to text you goodnight again. You’ll never call me to help you in a crisis. We’ll never talk about dates we want to go on and then never go. I’ll never be able to admire you when you talk about the things you love. I’ll never forget on our anniversary when we talked and cried at the park. I’ll never be able to hug you after you expressed the sadness you felt in our relationship. I wanted so badly for you to care about me and think about me the way I did about you and it never showed. I’ll never look at your location and wonder if your ignoring me and then get mad at myself for overthinking. I’ll never be able to love you like I do anymore.You are such and special and unique person that no one could figure out. But I did, at least I thought. I just wish we could go back to way the way we were in the fall. When you got drunk on Halloween and starting telling me and everyone else how much you loved me. When we hung out every other day on thanksgiving break.When you cried and gave me your sweatshirt when I left for New York winter break. Homecoming and the after party. Halloween.Seeing you preform and then leaving immediately after and missing you all weekend. How much I missed you over winter break. I love going to New York over break but that was the one time I loved it less because I missed you so much. I just wish you could love me like that again instead of pushing me away and not telling me what was wrong. It was really fucking hard to watch you do that. Somehow you misinterpreted everything I said. To have you calling me to help calm you down to the next day crying on FaceTime cus I did something wrong.When I stopped texting first and it was three days before you texted me again. When I felt like such an idiot because I was trying to talk to you more when you wanted the opposite. I really just wanted to have you back. Nothing I could say or do was helping. And then feeling guilty for being upset when I knew you were going through it. And feeling even worse when you would act normal around your friends but not around me and then tell me you were doing that to everyone. And I’m so frustrated that the last time we hung out I fucking greenhouse out like an idiot and ruined the night for you and Avery. I sound so cringe writing this it’s so embarrassing. But it’s how I feel. It already feels like a lifetime of hell since we broke up and it’s only been 8 hours. I just keep thinking about all the places it went wrong and all the things I wish I could go back in time and fix. When you said you needed to talk I just knew what was going to happen. I was willing to breaking up over fucking text because I just couldn’t wait any longer and wanted to get it over with. I’m really sorry for tormenting you with this. My feelings are all over the place and I just don’t know what I’m going to do next. I know this needed to happen but it really fucking sucks. So bad.